Welcome to my first post on BipolarDigest.com. This is NOT an introduction, but my thought process on December 29, 2015 10:30pm.
This has been a huge journey especially because the introduction of my blog should have been 9 years ago. However, at that time, I felt I wasn’t ready for the challenge and won’t be able to provide my true feelings towards the disorder.
My fight with bipolar started in June of 2000 when I was finally diagnosed, and before that, I didn’t know what was going on with my mind. I had a feeling something was wrong because I had constant mood swings, and wasn’t happy with myself.
I wasn’t happy with the direction my life was heading in and constantly battled thoughts of little self-worth. I found it very easy to compare myself with others because I was still able to maintain a tight group of friends, although this was very hard throughout the years.
Having such a close group of friends was good because I had support (even though they didn’t know about my bipolar) whenever I needed to ask someone for their feedback, but it also worked against me because I had others to compare my feelings to. I saw a close group of friends who seem to always be happy and constantly meeting new people.
You see, I’ve always had this vision while growing up of wanting to be special, and someone who was the talk of the party. I know deep inside I had the characteristics and personality, especially when I was in an enlightened state of mind. I would lose all “power” a few days later when I would completely spiral out of control and my mood dipped. No matter how bad the depression, I learned something about myself that all of you should pay close attention to.
Bipolar is having to deal with both an elevated state, and a depressive period right after. However, deep inside, you’re able to find out a lot about your personality. For example, during my elevated state, I was a crowd pleaser, a joker, and able to talk to everyone, but then depression would hit and I’d lose all of those so-called “super powers”. I believe, buried within your elevated state, is somewhat of your true personality and you’re just having a hard time finding a middle ground. I knew deep inside that if I could find a way to manage what I was going through; I would be able to conquer my vision of being a fun loving guy. Anyway,
I came face to face with my disorder when I decided to do something about it in early 2000. I went in for a routine physical and built up the courage to talk to my doctor about my state of mind. I’m referring to it as “my state of mind” because I remember being more depressed than ever when my doctor’s appointment came closer. I just didn’t want to live the rest of my life feeling negative, and like my life wasn’t worth anything. I honestly believed other people were living more of a privileged life simply because they didn’t have to go through what I was feeling.
I felt they were better than me because I suffered quietly inside and couldn’t even communicate or carry a conversation during my depressive period. My religious beliefs taught me something important: “You live once so make the most out of it.” In essence, I didn’t want to go through life depressed, wasting days that I knew I wouldn’t ever get back.
In the beginning, my doctor didn’t know EXACTLY what I was going through, but wanted to see if hypnosis would help. His decision was based on the fact I told him “I cared what people thought of me” and it was something that was constantly on my mind. I would speak to people and instead of paying attention to their words, I would keep thinking: “I hope I don’t look like a fool right now” or “I hope they don’t say anything to others about me”.
It’s a weird thought process but this was something that was constantly on my mind. I saw my family doctor several times throughout the month of February 2000, and he performed hypnosis, which was exciting in the beginning. I really thought this would make me a better, stronger person, and would be the ultimate cure to my problems. For the record, my doctor is completely certified in hypnosis, and it has been proven to work in several other scenarios. For example,
With hypnosis, you are tapping into the sub-conscious mind of the patient. The patient loses power of their thought process so they are highly responsive to suggestion or direction. When done correctly, it can be used to modify behaviors so for someone like me, who cared about what others thought, hypnosis can help remove those supressed thoughts. For others, it has helped them with elevator phobias, talking in a crowd, help with anxiety, etc. I did some research afterwards on hypnosis, and learned it’s only good when someone is suffering because of supressed thoughts NOT because of a chemical imbalance.
Once hypnosis was unable to cure my constant mood swings, I was referred over to the mental health department at my local hospital (name will NOT be mentioned for obvious reasons). Since 2000, I have been seeing a psychiatrist who has been helping me overcome my mood disorder. I’ll be discussing my challenges in a series of posts going forward. However, before I do, I want to reflect on a few things…
It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped. A real decision is measured by the fact that you’ve taken a new action. If there’s no action, you haven’t truly decided. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.
First, I’ve created this blog to discuss my 16-year battle with Bipolar and provide you with insight of what I’ve learned along the way. Throughout it all, I’ve had to deal with all sorts of medication, emergency trips to the hospital, taking self-control, educating myself, changing the way I think, and learning how to accept help from others. I’ll honestly say it was a complete lifestyle change but it’s the BEST change I’ve ever made in my life.
Secondly, I have been blessed by having close people by my side because they have been able to guide me when all else has failed. Next, I’ve titled this post “Me vs. Bipolar” because in the beginning that’s EXACTLY what I thought, and was unable to accept how it is now a part of my life. I’ll discuss how through constant improvements I have been able to remove the “Bipolar” from the title, and now consider it “Me” because I’m the one who defines the disorder, and have the power to overcome any obstacle.
Third, I want this blog to be a platform for honesty and a place where people can speak their mind. I often read blogs where people have to second guess what they write, going back editing their thoughts. I wrote what I did above because this was what I’m feeling right now on December 29th, 2015 at 10:30pm. Because Bipolar has to do with emotions and your mental state, it’s only fair I be completely transparent with all of you. I encourage your feedback, and want you to be understanding if you DON’T agree with my train of thought at any given time while reading. The comment box below the content is open for genuine feedback if you feel different about anything discussed on my blog.
For a long time, I wanted to create my own personal blog, and just couldn’t find anything I was truly passionate about. As mentioned, years back, I thought about BipolarDigest.com and this is the second time I’ve registered this domain. I’m at a point in my life where I can be transparent about my illness, and ready to share my experience with all of you. At this point, I believe I can provide valuable insight, and what I have done to live a more complete and fulfilling life. Again, I’ll be speaking from my own perspective and would love to hear what all of you have to say.
You’ll often find content published that doesn’t have to do anything with the previous posts, but who said thoughts have to be organized…right? I just want to be genuine and write whenever something is on my mind. BipolarDigest.com will be my personal diary available to the entire world J.
There’s a few things I ask of all readers:
Never put down others leaving a comment. You can start a debate, but be polite and speak your mind with respect.
Please DON’T spam especially because I believe all of you have something important to say. If we have to ban you, then it can be a waste of true talent, which I believe all of us have.
BipolarDigest.com is a community of like-minded people seeking help or providing creative feedback. Don’t provide medical help because we are NOT a medical community, but a group of people sharing our thoughts.
My commitment to you…
As mentioned, I have been living with Bipolar since 2000 with my shares of up’s and down’s.
I’ve created this blog to write down what I’ve learned over the years and how certain lifestyle changes have helped me stabilize my mood. I’m by no means saying I’m better or different, but just that I’ve experienced a lot over the years.
Currently, I am on Wellbutrin 150mg and Epival 750mg, which I’ve taken daily for the past 8 years. Before that, I took a handful of other medications which gave me serious side effects including palpitations (irregular heartbeat). More than once, I ended up in the hospital, which was a wakeup call for me going forward. With that said,
Let’s start our journey together and build a community together that strives to increase bipolar awareness.